Give Lecture, Abuse They Students, Growl, Grade Papers, Eat Hot Chip and Lie
An important announcement regarding the delivery of curriculum and the contractual obligations of the faculty and student bodies. Acceptance of this change in circumstances upon receipt is assumed.
Members of the faculty have noted a few new items of vandalism around campus. The sentiments expressed by the graffiti are amusing and in many cases accurate despite the obvious intent to insult. That said, we feel, as a body, proud that there is at least one among our treasured students who is confident enough in their abilities to issue such an obvious challenge.
We are very eager to meet it, but our Senior Professor of Morality and Ethics, with the backing of the bulk of the Professors Emeriti available for consultation in the Library, has been both quick and adamant in explaining that it would be inappropriate for any of our number to contend with a student, formally or informally, while there is a substantial power imbalance in our relationships, such as would exist between any teacher and any student under their instruction. And of course you all understand that the University is itself bound by the same contract to which you are bound. We must all fulfill our contracted obligations.
To this end we have opted to accelerate all curriculum and hold the final graduation examinations in thirty days.
We know that you have been studying with us for far less than a year of what should have been a ten year program at the minimum. It is unprecedented in the incredibly long run of the First University for a batch of students to declare their readiness so soon. We are unbelievably proud.
It was clear to the admission staff and the faculty that you were all just about equally ignorant when you dragged what was left of your carcasses through the various tunnels and crevices and pores of rock and clay to the campus here at Dis. If one of you is ready to advance to the end of studies so soon, we can only assume that the curriculum that has been presented equally to all of you has been far more effective than we expected.
Congratulations to us all, then!
We understand that not everyone may feel as ready as the student who issued the challenge, thus the thirty days for everyone else to catch up.
During this time, in accordance with our contract, you will be exposed to the remainder of the curriculum—all of the knowledge we have accumulated that you have yet to experience—and in accordance with your contracts you will make every attempt to demonstrate satisfactory knowledge thereof to the relevant experts among the faculty and staff. Immediately afterward, as the contracts specify, you will be challenged to demonstrate sufficient ability to integrate these fields of knowledge to survive obliteration unassisted, which is the standard final exam for all students since the very beginning.
Then, provided you have survived, our esteemed Senior Professor of Morality and Ethics assures us that we will be on the proper moral and ethical footing to meet our challenger as an equal.
As the insult was in no way serious, the University’s chosen champion would no doubt suggest a harmless competition for a duel. Satirical poetry, perhaps. Or darts. Or a chip-eating contest. But only after the teacher-student power imbalance has been satisfactorily addressed and all contractual obligations have been met.
We are exceptionally eager to see how you all fare.
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Please address your concerns, should you have any, to your faculty advisor. As always, your success is our success.