Normal Pace of Classes to Resume, Holiday Declared
Yet another important announcement regarding the delivery of curriculum and the contractual obligations of the faculty and student bodies. Acceptance of this change upon receipt is assumed.
Dearest students, we must regretfully inform you that one of your number has come forward to claim responsibility for the graffitied insult to our fine institution. Your comrade has worked hard to remove all traces of the defacement and provided, in series, more than two hundred personal apologies to the faculty and administration—and is working to make the rounds of the staff and any activated Professors Emeriti as they become available.
Acceptable forfeits have also been performed to everyone’s satisfaction. So far. We have every reason to expect that the remaining staff will also be satisfied.
As excited as we were to attempt to provide an accelerated 30-day program of curriculum to complete your educations and address the offender’s challenge on equal terms before the next new moon as is required by tradition, with no such pressing obligation we feel the best course is to cease the experiment and resume the standard ten-year pace of instruction.
To allow you all to recover from the past week’s accelerated pace, the administration at the urging of the Headmaster has decreed a two-day holiday from classes for those of you who have survived and a corresponding deferment of papers, assignments, presentations, and examinations as appropriate.
You may of course feel free to retain any of the accelerated education you’ve received that hasn’t already fallen out of your heads.
The search is on to replace the students who exploded. You should prepare yourselves to greet your new classmates when they arrive, almost certainly before the new moon after next.
It will be up to you to decide whether to explain to them what happened to their predecessors. It is all the same to us. Many of us look forward to attempting to repeat this experiment incorporating what we learned in our first go.